Learning...

I'm learning a lot here while we're at camp this week- mainly that I don't trust me and my thoughts. I've been struggling with my self image, and it's starting to get annoying. It's really been a lifelong struggle. One that I don't even like to talk about because if I talk about it, that means it's real. And it's rather embarrasing to admit. I know it's silly, but it's so real.

I'm sure most of you who will read this know what I'm talking about. I know the thoughts I have aren't truth, yet I still struggle with believing them. I know when I look in the mirror, the things I see aren't really the things others see- yet I still fight believing that what I'm seeing is skewed. I'm seeing that the way I think, and the thoughts I have about myself- and even the way I see the world- don't match up with the way God sees me and the world. These are the "tapes" I've been playing in my head for many years- telling myself basically lies about the way I look and my worth, and I'm tired of listening to them. I'm ready to start playing new tapes- tapes of Truth from God. I know I can't start playing new tapes unless I'm consistently in the Word, and walking with Jesus. Having a constant dialogue in my head. Because when I'm left alone with myeslf, not much good comes from that.

So here goes- a new start. I know God is all about new starts. As a mom, I give my kids new starts all day long, multiple times a day. So I'm ready for a new start- and I know I will have to continue to get them. This won't be a one time, start fresh, and get it right kind of thing. It's taken me my whole life to get where I am, and I know it will take a while to undo what has been done. But I have to start somewhere.

I'm ready to actually believe when God tells me that I'm fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:13-17). I can say I believe it, but I want to with all that is in me believe it. You know what I mean? And deep in my core, to know and believe that "charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:30) I want my beauty to come from the love and hope I have in Jesus- and for that to be what comes from the inside to make me beautiful- so it's not even me that is beautiful, but it's Him.

I want this to become truth for me, "strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her toungue." (Proverbs 31:25-26) Wow. This is how I want to live my life. I'm ready to get rid of my silly thoughts to make room for this to happen. God, help me to continue to grow in You.