It seems like everyone I talked to that has three kids or more said that going from two to three was a breeze... what?! I have to be honest here, going from two to three for me has been, and is really hard. It could be that our kids are so close in age, and the only one that can do anything for herself is Teda. I have no idea, all I know is that this has been a difficult transition for me as a mom and a wife. As a mom for the obvious reasons, and as a wife because I'm so beat from trying to do this that I hardly think about how I can be a help to Zach and an I'm not too pleasant to be around these days. I seem to be completely consumed with how to get Jett on a schedule (because I feel like if it doesn't happen soon, I'm going to go crazy), why Teda is so sassy lately, why it takes me 5 or 6 times of calling Dane's name before he even acknowleges that I've called him, and then being frustrated with myself for handling it all not in a loving way... it's that cycle over and over again all day long. Now don't get me wrong, there are moments of joy in each day. But at this moment I just feel like I need to vent about the toughness of this.
Then I tell myself that once they're in school, then it will be good; once Jett is sleeping through the night, then it will be okay; once Jett is able to talk, then it will be better.... when will it really be okay? Why can't I just accept where we're at as where God has us for a reason. Know that there is something for me to learn, that He has set in motion for me. I seem to live my life always looking towards the future as, "it will be better when _____" (fill in the blank- I have a boyfriend, I am married, I have babies and don't have to work anymore, we have a house, we have another baby, we have yet another baby, baby sleeps all night... etc, etc). I'd like to get to where I can be content in my present circumstances, and not long for the future. Hmmm, that was good to get out, and now I know that I'd like to start living in the moment. Live for today. I know this will sound cliche, but I don't know if there even will be a tomorrow. So this is good for me to remember to live for today. And be looking for what God has for me today. Because I know He is showing Himself to me in so many ways, but I'm too blinded by my own negativity to see it. Thanks for letting me vent!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
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Amen Sista! Don't be too hard on yourself Lisa. I know you and I are a lot alike in that way...always wanting to be good at something, great at something and completely knowing when we've missed the mark. The best thing about it all is that no one else knows you've missed the mark sometimes and the one person who knows it all, The Lord, is walking with you through it. He's there gently reminding you that even in the worst of it he's got a plan. I'm like you-sometimes using a tone of voice or look that I can't believe I let leave my body. Or, being so tired that the thought of doing anything for anyone makes you want to cry. No one can sympathize with a mother but another mother. I'm learning though that the Lord has made children little so that we have lots of chances to do our best before it's too late. Even at your worst you are teaching them forgiveness, humaness, flaws, and the need for Grace and the Lord. I often could use someone to vent with and then find myself keeping it all in to avoid appearing beaten-I commend you for your honesty. I love ya, feel ya, and if you need someone-we'll just get our six kids together to create more chaos and get it all out!
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