The "Socks" Of Life

We had a rough morning.

We were doing great, right on time getting ready for school, the kids were all ready and getting their shoes on when it happened. Things were not going well anymore. Teda couldn't find her usual socks that she wears with her tennis shoes- they were all in the washer. And she was not happy about it. I told her to just get some other socks (sensing there was a melt down coming, and hoping she'd just get the socks and be done with it)...she tired a few other pairs and got more frustrated each time. They were either too thin and her shoes felt too big, or something would be poking her, etc. Time was still ticking away, and we were headed towards being late for school. And I didn't only have to take Teda this morning, this was Dane's 2nd day of preschool. He was being SO great (I think that's how it works for us- when one is having trouble, the others are good- at least most of the time), and so I wasn't paying much attention to him except to tell him thanks for being good a few times. Anyways, Teda was crying at this point, just very frustrated. I didn't help the situation- I was VERY anxious and frustrated as well- not about her socks, but because she wouldn't just get her shoes on, get over the socks poking her pinky toe, and get in the car so we could GO! And as the minutes wear on, my patience runs out. Not good.

And here's the thing too- it's SO hard to get all the kids and me out the door to go somewhere- and keeping the house and all the things we need to take with us, in order. So when all is ready to go, we pretty much have to get in the car immediately so I don't lose a sippy cup, someone's shoes come off so they can play more, lose a blanket, etc....

So I'm just telling her basically to get over it, please put her socks and shoes on, and the poky thing in her pinky toe (it was the seam) will go away- she'll forget about it in no time. Well, no time soon in her mind. She wasn't having it. So I said just take off your shoes and get in the car. we'll put them on when we get to school. (hoping that would really happen... and that she'd calm down on the way there and wouldn't be crying still when I took her into class....I had no idea how it would play out... I just wanted to not have to deal with it, but that wasn't an option, so away we went) We get to school, she's crying off and on still, and I get her out of the car and I'm even more frustrated because she starts flipping out once I get her new pair of socks that I brought along with her shoes on her feet. She's jumping all around and crying in the parking lot- great! So I angrily pull her shoes off, pull her socks off and tell her (in a frustrated voice) that she'll go without socks but I'm not happy with her. She says, "Why are you talking mean to me mom?" I tell her because I'm frustrated and want her to just wear her socks (yeah, I know some of you want to hit me right now, or at least give me a really dirty look, for treating her this way- don't worry, I deserve it)... So I put her socks in her backpack and tell her I think she's going to get blisters if she doesn't wear socks because she has PE today. Then I stop us before we go in the building and give her a hug and ask her if she's okay. I tell her I'm sorry for being frustrated with her. She said she's sorry about the socks. (I cannot believe I made such a huge deal about socks. Seriously Lisa? Socks? WHO CARES about the socks! Love your daughter! But no, not me. I have to make a deal about it. I'm unbelievable.)

We get a tardy slip from the front office, go to her room, I tell her teacher about the socks in her backpack if she needs them, and give her a kiss goodbye.

Then I head across the hall to Dane's class to drop him off- what a wierd feeling. I was so preoccupied with Teda, that I hadn't really paid any attention to the other kids and here's Dane about to go to his 2nd day of preschool and I barely talked to him this morning. I felt weird leaving him there for sure. I kept giving him hugs, telling him I loved him.

We go out into the parking lot, and I look up to see that I'd left our sliding door in the van wide open (too bad no one stole it!)... what a morning.

So I leave there, and call my mom first thing. I'm telling her all about what happened. (I'd called her on the way too to see if she had any thoughts on what I could do to solve this sock crisis- she suggested the no socks idea- it worked, thanks mom... now if I could just get it together) After I finish talking a mile a minute about all that happened, I just started crying. The tears flowed fast, and I could not believe I'd made such a big deal about socks. Really. Can I not just love Teda, tell her I'm sorry the socks are uncomfortable, try and calmly come up with a solution, and help her to not be upset? Instead, I made her upset by being so abrasive with her. Oh I felt and still feel, awful. I had to leave her all day long today after hurting my little girl's heart. A heart that God has entrusted me with to care for and nurture. And I did the opposite. I hurt it. It's so awful, and I am even thinking right now, should I even post this? People are going to see my flesh and how ulgy it is. But you know, if I don't, it will be that much easier for me to do this again. And I don't want my kids to look in their mom's journals from her blogs, and see only the good- I want them to see that I struggled too. Because that's real- we're humans. We're fallen. And for all these things that I wrote, these are all reasons I NEED my Jesus. I need Him.

After I got off the phone with my mom, Jett was saying, "Mama, stop crying.... are you okay?...........are you okay?" I told him I would be. He said, "I wuf you." Melted my heart. It was just what I needed to hear. And that's how Jesus still feels about me- He loves me still. So comforting.

I'm brought almost to tears again recalling this morning, and thinking about how I can so easily get angry with my kids and take it out on them. Parenting is SO hard. Not because my kids are so unruly, but because I am so unruly. And it's hard to understand and believe, but it's true that God forgives me for this. He has grace for me, and that's why He sent Jesus to die for me. He knew that this morning would happen, and that I'd handle the circumstances the way I did. And because Jesus covered my sins, I'm okay. Grace. Forgiveness. I'm so thankful for grace and forgiveness.

I'm going to be prayerfully working on this. To stop getting all worked up over the "socks" of this life, and remember what's really important. As a mother to Teda, Dane, Jett, and Deklan, I'm called to care for, nurture, and show Jesus to my kids. In order to do this, I have to connect with Him all the time.

All I have to say is that I can't wait for Teda to walk through our front door after school today. I will be waiting for her with open arms. My precious little girl.