A Squeek In The Night...

As we were sitting at dinner tonight, for some reason I was thinking about when I used to play the bass clarinet in Jr High. The bass clarinet is big. So big that it needs a little kick stand thing for it, while it's played. Well, I always had this fear while I played that I would get a crack in my reed, and would squeek during a crucial time in band practice, or worse, during a performance... I even had dreams that I would be in a band recital, and I would be playing so bad, and would let out this huge squeek. And everyone would know it was me. And I would be sooo embarrased! I even have had dreams about it recently- like in the last few years! And each time I wake up, it felt just like I was back there in jr. high. I was so self conscious then, and didn't want to mess up. But not much more than I am now. I'm just self conscious in different ways now.

I want to have confidence in Christ. To know that there's no reason to feel self conscious! My God made me, and there's nothing to fear or worry about. There's such freedom in that. Being who He made me to be, and totally embracing that. I don't need to worry about "squeeking" or messing up in front of people. Because that's life, and that's okay. If I didn't make any mistakes, I'd be perfect. And that's not possible. And there would be no reason for Jesus to have died for me, and He died so that I could live. And make mistakes, but always trying to be better and to grow. And each time I "squeek", I grow from it. So I actually should look forward to those times when I squeek, you know?

And when I make a mistake in front of my kids, I then have an opportunity to show them that it's okay to mess up. And that if I lose my temper with them, I can show them what it looks like to humble myself and repent- to them and to God. Hopefully then they will begin to see what a relationship with our Father looks like. That He has grace for our squeekiness.

This verse has been one that Zach and I have been talking about and trying to live out on a daily basis. It's Proverbs 24:16 for though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity. That verse has been so awesome for us as a family- no matter how many times we fall down, we can always get back up!