2009

New Year's Eve was really fun- we spent the evening with my family at my parent's house. We played games, some people played their new Wii- such a fun game, and we just hung out together. It was tough to stay up until midnight, I have to admit. How sad is that? I looked at the time at one point and realized it was only 9:30, and thought, are you serious? I have to stay awake for 2 1/2 more hours? Funny.

I've so been enjoying the gift of relationships lately. Zach and I have really had a perspective shift in the last few weeks. It started with me reading a great book called "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World:- awesome book. Then with our drive to Colorado, we listened to a great book on cd called "The Shack". Awesome. It was just such an eye opener about how I view God and my relationship with Him. I took so much more than that away from it, but that was a biggie for me.

I seem to be a do-er. I feel better when things are getting done, my house is clean, I'm organized (to a degree), dinners are scheduled (to make and to meet people for dinners), I'm volunteering, keeping up with friendships, etc. And I say I feel better when I'm doing that, I think because I thought that is what I was "supposed" to do. Because that is what would help me to stay close to God. Or that is what makes me a good mom, friend, wife, etc. I know it's wierd.

So needless to say I feel challenged to change my perspective and the way I live life. These last few weeks, we've just relaxed and stopped to enjoy whatever is in front of us. We've created "margin" in our life. Everything is not scheduled, we're more laid back. I guess you could say we're really living in the moment. Not looking in the past, not looking towards the future, living in the present. It's so different than what I'm used to. But it's very cool. And Zach and I have had some awesome conversations about all this, and it's truly brought us closer. And I feel much closer to God too. Yet, I also feel more vulnerable, more out of control, more unpredictable, and even more guilty (and I know that is self induced)... I say guilty because for so long I've lived like I "have" to keep up a certain pace, get things done, do do do... and when I'm not doing, I start to feel wierd like I'm not doing the right thing. Does that make sense at all? I don't know if it does- my thoughts about all this feel very jumbled. I guess I feel pressure to perform too. Perform for who? Well, my first answer would be for God, but when I look deeper into that, that's not true. I think I am performing for others around me- so that I can keep up my image, so to speak. How embarrasing to even admit to myself that I want to keep up an image that I've got it all together. And that somehow having it all together keeps me in good standings with God. Wow, that's so messed up. Because really it's when I feel likethe biggest mess and that I don't have it together when I feel God's presence the strongest.

I'm learning that God can never love me any more than He does right now. He created me to have a relationship with me, so we can love each other- it's a two way street. And there's nothing I can do or not do that will change the way He feels about me. And I can't put my relationship with Him in a box, or on a checklist.... What a freeing thought. So in 2009 that's what I'm working on. Living in the moment, enjoying My Creator's presence in my life, and enjoying the richness of relationships with friends and fmaily I've so been blessed with!